How's everything with you, and with Tammy these days?
From another e-mail:I'm down to seeing Tammy about once every two weeks now, which I certainly never intended. I remember what a big deal it was for both of us when I started seeing her only six days a week instead of seven... I intend to go and see her far more often than that, but always seem to find reasons not to go at the last minute. Work, housework, social events, health reasons; I don't know what the root cause is for this ability of mine to make easy excuses now. I thought it was depression and my doctor and I have been experimenting with anti-depressants for the past 9 months or so, but all they ever seemed to do was make me feel worse overall so I'm weaning off of them now. I dunno, whenever I'm with her I just feel so helpless to do anything for her and just want to cry, I think that's why it's so hard to get myself to go and see her now. But I know that that's making her sadder, and feel bad about that, and it just snowballs. I wish I knew the answer. The last few times I have seen her though, she's been doing well emotionally. Happy, never despondent. She's just so shaky all the time she can't get comfortable, and her speech is so distorted now that I just have to pretend I understand her most of the time; which is frustrating when she's asking me a question and can tell by my lack of a good answer that I'm just not getting it and trying to BS her. You can ask her to repeat herself 10 times in a row and it always comes out the exact same shade of wrong and you just can't figure out what she's getting at. I'm sure this and more is at the root of my inability to get myself to go see her, I just wish I knew a way to force myself over these feelings and to go. I know she won't be with us much longer and I wish I was making more out of the time we have left. At least external commitments involving Tammy seem easier to meet, on the 1st we'll be going to her mom's for her birthday so I'm sure I'll get her to that; I'd just like to be able to see her more in the meantime. I've meant to go the last two nights in a row, but when the time came I just didn't. I did extra work at the office or just screwed around surfing the web until midnight or so. It's very frustrating but I just can't seem to get past this wall. Sigh.
...K
(If you don't mind, I'll probably cross post this to my blog. Been meaning to comment about this for a while now... again, external factors seem to make it easier to get myself to deal with things.)
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posted by ...K @ 4:47 PM
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