Life, the universe, and lunch

Loss

So wednesday night was another support group meeting and I phoned the home during the day to let them know that I'd be picking Tammy up around 6:30 or so. When I got there she was dressed and ready to go, which was good, but I had to change her first which took extra time. After that I was having trouble getting her to cooperate with transferring to the chair and started to lose patience, when she told me that she was tired because they had never fed her dinner. I went down the hall to check with the nurse, who made some inquiries and found out that yes, they hadn't fed her. Apparently the evening staff were told that I was taking her to dinner. This really pisses me off because they did the same thing to us on Valentine's Day. At no point when I'd called ahead, either time, did I say that I was taking her to dinner. In fact on wednesday night, I specifically said that I was taking her to the support group. It's not like I can even take her to a restaurant anymore so what the hell were they thinking?

Anyways, she was so wiped out that I could barely transfer her into the chair and get her coat on, and I asked her if I should put her back in bed and head to group alone, or take her home and feed her. She couldn't even get an answer out, and after repeating the question several times and getting more and more frustrated, she finally managed to say "I'm hungry" again. Well I couldn't just leave her there after that. It took some doing, but I got her loaded into the car and home for some soup (the easiest thing to feed her when she's that wiped out).

I was hoping that maybe we could still make it to group for the end of the meeting, since Tammy hasn't been since November and really enjoys it. December was the christmas dinner, then she missed January and February due to the infection. It was not to be though, I had to change her again when the soup was ready, and then again when we were ready to leave. Group was over when I finally got her back into the car, so we just went back to the nursing home where I got her ready for bed, changed her again and tucked her in. After that I was completely wiped out.

I'm glad I spent the evening with her instead of leaving her alone, but after all that I'm not sure if I'm going to see her this weekend. I spent the day today catching up on housework (I finally fixed the vacuum and vanquished the months-old layer of cat hair and dust bunnies that was bumming me out), reading (back up to date on magazines now too), and processing the mail pile (more fucking bills, yay!) Getting all that stuff caught up on energized me a bit, but I still feel too wiped out to see her tomorrow.

I think it's more mental now than physical. I was out with some friends last night and ended up dropping them off at Roxxanne's, the local strip club. A year ago I was there A LOT and got to know a bunch of the girls, but in the last six months or so it's all seemed rather pointless and I've stopped going. I couldn't believe my friend Matt though, he's got the hots for a waitress there and knows she has a boyfriend, but he played it so cool it was just unbelievable. On our way out he stopped to say goodbye to her, and she said "My boyfriend's gonna be here soon." He just laughed, pulled her close and lifted her skirt; and she totally ate it up. I've got a strong feeling that her boyfriend won't be, for long, or at the very least that she's going to cheat on him with Matt. A while ago I'd have scratched my head at that and probably would have been pissed off at Matt, now I think it's just nature at work.

I started getting these Double Your Dating newsletters about a year and a half ago. They seemed like spam, but they were the longest most well written spam I've ever seen and I haven't unsubscribed from them (in fact they're legit enough that I suspect a friend signed me up as a favour). Anyways, they talk a lot about confidence, attitude, practice (even Gretzky wouldn't be Gretzky without it), and the fact that attraction is not a logical choice. Last night I saw proof of that in action and it was inspiring.

Also depressing. I love Tam and I'm staying with her to the end, but there is almost nothing of a relationship left between us. I feel completely alone, even when I'm with her, and it's probably at the root of my insomnia. I just wish that I could do something about it. I've never been good at meeting women, for the most part I've been so convinced of failure that I didn't even bother to try (a self-fulfilling prophecy if ever there was one). If Tam hadn't asked me out, I'd probably still be single. Anyways, I don't want to go back to being that guy when she's gone, and reading those newsletters and hanging out with a guy like Matt are part of that, but I'm getting really sick of waiting and waiting. Someone at work revealed to me that they're expecting another child, and while I was happy for them it just made me feel sick, like "When's my turn?" I'm getting older and older and older and I'm just completely stuck in limbo. I've thought about dating somebody else, even been attracted to a person or two that had possibilities, but when it was time to make my move I hesitated, and lost. I don't know. What the hell's the answer to this? Your significant other is the one that you're supposed to confide in, to gain strength from. I can't do that here, and I just don't know how much longer I can take it without going completely nuts. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

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posted by ...K @ 11:49 PM